Confessions

Every passing…minute or meeting or task or desire or that which comes into awareness.

Has that which is shown or shared with others, and myriad that are kept to myself.

When i began this journey in 2012, i would be puzzled as to “why do i have to be different inside my skin and outside?”.

While there are many explanations for them rooted in social or psychological or emotional or intentional or evolutionary reasoning,

I thought i could share “some” more of my authentic self.

27/09/20. 11:33 am. Want to and don’t want to.

As i write this, i must have spent almost 10 minutes thinking and rethinking about making this page. One of the reasons against doing this (that came up) was, “it’s easy to misunderstand than to understand many a times”. Whatever i put out here has the potential to become salient in how people think about me. At one level, i do care “what people think about me?”…sometimes its more from the perspective of “not hurting them” through my words or actions. …sometimes its also because their feedback could be helpful for me to discover that may be hidden in my plainsight or blindspots….sometimes because i am part of this inter-connectedness and inter-dependencies, i do benefit from products/services i avail (owing to the enormous co-ordination and competition happening between 7 bn+ fellow humans). .. sometimes because i do care about engaging with some of the fellow humans for collaborating and earning a life, or sometimes sharing what’s coming through me everyday in form of insights…

As i was swept by these thoughts, i noticed a “clench” or “tensed-up” in my shoulder and jaws. And then was drawn into micro-practice of 5 deep breath + moving attention and intention and declenching the jaws and shoulder. This helped. In integrating…in coming back to integrity with my whole body and emotion

…and then surfaced :

“Path of truth. Bare foot meet thorns.

Bleeds red carpet of its own.

Welcoming! Oneself now and other times, and others too.”

27/09/20 14:04 hrs “You should write a book now”

Over last year or so, i have been encouraged to write a book. Mostly by persons who have been reading my scribbles (that i share regularly). (Encouragement by: Bunty, Matthew Tice, N C Singhal, Hemant Kotak, Kalpen Shukla, ).

I feel really glad at their encouragement. And many times over, I have “aimfully wondered” as to “what should i write about?”. Sometimes thoughts emerge in the direction of “what’s happening in the world and hence what’s needed?”. And then sometimes they have sidestepped into the impostor-alley of “what do i know and what can i share?”. And then sometimes incentivized thoughts call for a middle path.

I feel truly blessed that many a random scribbles have happened to me and through me. In forms of drawing, poems, 2 by 2, short stories, articles, quotes. But somehow, i have never been able to stitch some of them together into an umbrella.

Then sometimes, the truth shines from beneath the heaps of excuses and hustles. I feel as if i have really not given it a meditative contemplative embodiment…to still myself, and to see what emerges… maybe its time for this. Will try tomorrow.

09/12/20 11:52 HRS “how can i not know after so many years?”

I have been seeking following inquiring into the core of many a binaries…the right or the left, the liberal or conservative, the capitalism and the socialism, the individualism and the tribalism. Sometimes when i am not reflecting, and the intuition gangs with the current video/text, i used to get swayed by some opinions or definitions. This continued for a few years. And then i started coming to a space of “deliberately not arriving at unreflected conclusions”.

So, when people genuinely ask me for my opinion on something, they feel disappointed that i share a bunch of things (usually long sentences) and then say that i am still trying to wrap my head and heart and soul around the issue…so they are work in progress.

30/12/20 10:01 HRS “i am a hypocrite sometimes?”

I read those opening passages. As i moved from the sentence to sentence, tightening my grip on the essence of it, i had a surge. ..actually many surges…one was related to “wow! this is so close to what i have been arriving at over last 8 years”, another was “oh no! they are already long term globally popular folks, and now i am only an “also” or “late to the party” “, another was “well! i should take this in stride and be happy that i thought alike and thats more important and also important for the spirit of this approach”…

i soon realized that “i am not unique” became so salient for me and i had somewhere deeply desired to be unique all these years. Upon a deep silence thereafter, i realized that i have been a hypocrite. Because this “wanting to be unique” hasn’t been seen and processed deeply in me and i need to work on it over next few years.

I forgot that there is another thing that i deeply cherish and experience many times and also share about it to others. Which is “i am just a conduit or manifestation of so many other people’s contribution to this thats coming through me now. And i cannot and should not claim sole credit for it”.

I need to process these two and see what comes up.

17/10/22 06:06 hrs “this is it” is not it.

There are times in life when one can demarcate certain time or event or shift that distinguishes what was there earlier different from the later. For me, 2012 is one such demarcation.

Pre-2012 was all about chasing designations, impressions and wanting to become some leader. But it was all built on the seeming edifice of borrowed knowledge, shallow reflection, quick-fix confidence, and more.

Post-2012 has been revelation after revelations. And of course, with its own coarse. There are times, even during these, that i have followed-read something deeper, and then reflected upon something deeply, and then sort of arrived at, “this is it”. Only to, in some weeks, be hit by something so novel or slap-waking-my-i-know that i would again try to get into this newly found rabbit hole.

Sometimes i would then wonder that this is perhaps going to be it. And then the cycle repeats.